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“OLD SPICE: The original. If your grandfather hadn’t worn it, you wouldn’t exist.”

They give out awards for advertising, right? Like “The Satans” or something? Anyway, you figure taking something like Old Spice and making it hip and cool has got to be the ad-man equivalent of climbing K-2, and for that, the soulless bastards at Whatever Ad Agency deserve something special for their efforts.

Hell, the Bruce Campbell commercials alone merit a round of applause.

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This is my favorite new Internet video.

How do school voucher programs affect the Wizarding community? Find out in this special (and effing hilarious) report.

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Yep. First it was that skateboarding dog, then it was those five guys taking turns humping that footstool (a footstool that, if there is any justice, will end up in the Smithsonian someday), and now? Now, my friends, it’s all about “Chocolate Rain.”

I present your new #1 Internet jam.

I realize I’m late in coming to this by the sheer number of parodies and covers out there, the best of which is this one, featuring “Chocolate Rain” as sung by Kuato from TOTAL RECALL:

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Whenever I see a new movie or read a new book and come away loving it, afterwards I always go to a site like Amazon.com or Fandango and read all the negative user reviews. The one-star hatchet jobs. I’ll go on IMDB and see what people are bitching about on the mini-forums. I’ll google the title along with the word “sucks” and see what comes up.

I have no idea why I do this, and I wonder if it says something important about my personality.

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This is the coolest, most amazing thing you will ever see. Like, ever. Remember how awesome it was watching your first child being born? Yeah, this is better.

So sit back and watch as 1500(!) prisoners in the Cebu Provincial Detention and Rehabilitation Center in Cebu, Philippines, perform the video for Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” in its entirety, and wonder where your own life went wrong.

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But only because their exclusive “ALIEN Triple Pack” DVD set is ten kinds of awesome. It’s the first three Alien movies on DVD for under $20. They’re the versions from the old ALIEN LEGACY set, rather than the overloaded (and ridiculously titled) ALIEN QUADRILOGY, but whatever. The transfers are excellent, they come in really nice slim-pack cases, and they have a decent set of bonus features included. It’s worth it just for the Ridley Scott commentary track and the hubris-tastic James Cameron interview, in which Jimmy Cam takes credit for everything but the fucking catering.

So, yeah. If you don’t have them already, go to Target and buy some Alien movies. They’re real good.

(P.S., Those of you who still think it’s clever to pronounce it “Tar-ZHAY”? Stop. Okay? Just stop.)

Jazz hands!

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Googled a Tool song today to try to clarify a misheard lyric and landed on a discussion board.

I am absolutely amazed by the lengths uber-macho Tool fans will go to in denying that there’s anything homosexual about their favorie band’s music. “Dude, that’s not what the song’s about!” is their mantra.

This is true even when discussing songs with titles like “Prison Sex” and “Stinkfist.”

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Wow. What a fantastic movie. I have to admit, though, I was a little disappointed there wasn’t MORE CRYING. For real, I counted at least TEN SCENES in which no one wept. And I think that shit’s weak, yo. That part near the end, where Spider-Man and Sandman CRY TOGETHER AS THE SUN COMES UP? Awesome. I don’t know about you, but that’s exactly what I want out of a superhero action movie. Even Venom cried! How cool is that?

I mean, seriously. The goal here is REALISM, am I right? I know if I had super powers, I’d cry all the fucking time.

And speaking of realism, weren’t those special effects AMAZING?????????!?!?! Through the use of cutting-edge CG technology and flexible texture-mapping, they almost made it look like Tobey Maguire gave a shit.

(Ahem. “Cryder-Man”? Does that work?)

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…in which many things are retarded, but one thing struck me as being particularly so.

Why, and by that I mean WHY THE FUCK, did NASA feel the need to mount a GATLING GUN to the front of the big asteroid rover ATV thingy?

Please tell me I missed some flimsy explanation in the dialogue somewhere, and that this isn’t just the most fucktarded thing ever put on film.

(And also? What the Christ is “space dementia”?)

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