Frankbeaton.com

In Touch: for retards?

I am not an entertainment snob. (Well, except for Larry the Cable Guy. If you think he’s funny, then there’s clearly something wrong with you and my snobbishness is a natural and fair reaction.) This general acceptance of other people’s taste has long been a point of pride for me, but I just spent ten minutes reading through the latest issue of In Touch magazine, and I really have to ask: Is this shit written for retarded people? I’m not talking about the magazine’s purpose; I understand the fascination with celebrities and the rich and all that shit. I really do. I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about the reading level that this particular gossip rag is written at, which is, like, second grade at best.

(My favorite part: The “Celebrities - They’re Just Like Us!” section, which featured a photo of (I think) Julia Roberts holding an umbrella with a big superimposed caption reading, “They use umbrellas when it rains!” Swear to God.)

I challenge both of my readers to flip through an issue and tell me it doesn’t read like it was written by an 11-year-old girl. A drunk 11-year-old girl. With a learning disability. And a history of abuse. Whose primary language isn’t English.

[My original draft of that line: "...a 12-year-old girl who just pounded four vodka-and-Red Bulls." Evocative, sure, but I think I went with the better joke.]

I’m kind of flabbergasted right now. And that’s a word I almost never use because it makes me sound like the white guy in a black stand-up comic’s routine.

If any of you actually read and enjoy In Touch, please defend yourself and that sub-literate piece of shit magazine in the comments section.

Thank you.